~Insomnia~

The fan blades on the ceiling spin
I stare trying to follow one around
It’s been hours since I laid down
Not being able to sleep let’s me think

My idle mind wanders creeping ideas
Pulling the darkest out of the shadows
I think about my neighbors, black trash
They’re disgusting filth, they should burn

I reach for my lighter and light it
The fire is promising like peer pressure
It antagonizes me to play with it
I flick the flame and it goes out gracefully

On the shelf in my closet is an old box
I pick it up opening the wooden lid
It’s empty except for a bitter smell
An instant contact hits like adrenaline

The urge inside burns like my lighter
I fight it and preoccupy myself
Posters, book, albums, anything
But nothing will help me conquer

I lay down again and close my eyes
Memories flash in front of me
I see an old girlfriend, pretty and young
Her body on mine, naked and loving

We roll tangling ourselves lust
Blinded by the pleasure we create
Immature feelings taking control
Not thinking of anything but us

My heart races and I start to sweat
Sitting up I grow anxious and annoyed
Night after night the same routine continued
Slowing I feel I’m losing sanity and patience

This can’t be healthy, always begging for rest
I reach for my knife and flick it open
Balancing it’s edge on my finger and flip it
Catching it out of the air by it’s handle

The pain calms me and the blood runs
Not a cry for attention but a cry for mortality
A show of weakness in an invincible state
One that will surely kill me someday